Who are you when you're them?

This rather out of the blue topic has been around for many many years, yet I haven't got to the point to what am I supposed to write? I wonder then, how many of us actually have an identity? Identity. What exactly is it in an ever changing world, with an environment of always-changing people? From where I lived as a kid, I never thought I would ever leave that place, my hometown. Eventually I did. I left many things; friends, memories, fun and out of many more, my identity.

Have you ever wondered; why am I here? Why am I like this? Why am I friends with these people? I was talking in your shoes, not whether I, me, was here. ha! A while back I was thinking, what if I never moved to Doha, would I be the same person I am now? Now the answer looks simple, I wouldn't be the same, but it's rather not as easy as ABC. I thought about my friends; the amazing people that surround me, in person at noon and virtually over the internet at night. The different people I have socialised with over the years.

Then a thought struck me 'but I socialise with different friends in Indonesia'. I am fully aware that I do not act the same way as I would do with my friends here. There factors such as environment, understanding of the world, cultural difference. Whereas they're more down to earth and patriotic while I'm a more wide-ranged, not-so-justified-about-my-country critic. Thing is, different places will trigger various aspects of yourself. In school I'd be talkative while at home I don't talk a lot, that sort of thing.

Okay, now that the opening's done, all that, that's not exactly what I want to talk about, though it refers to everything I talked about. Whether you have moved countries, school or none at all, you will have various memories of your childhood, friends come and go. New and old. Fun and boring. Nice and mean. As a kid all of them are friends to us. When a family asks about someone you don't say 'that's a bully of mine' instead you'd say 'that's a friend of mine'. With childhood, comes massive fun. (yeah I took that from 'with power comes great responsibility). Well anyway, as a kid, among your friends, I'm sure you've been called something else other than your name; a nickname. A nickname that you're probably proud of, or rather a nickname that everyone call you as. Over time these names fade away, or if you move, you're a new identity to your new friends. You may be called something else that is totally unassimilated to your previous identity.

Behind every name there's a meaning. You were called such a name for a reason, maybe an achievement you achieved back then made you a 'Noble' to your friends. A goal you scored made you a 'Ronaldinho'. A writing you made, made you a 'Wilfred Owen'. It can be anything, one (rather personal) example, I used to be called a kancil (I'm not sure what it is in English, it's like a smaller version of a deer, more aggressive, quick and rather cunning) and that was me, for 4 years of my life. That was me. Then I moved, and no one knows about it, you can probably say that these names are inside jokes. As the years passed by I picked up other names. That, readers, was a start of an external identity.

What is the point of all this, now that it's a really long useless article. It is in fact to show how a person can hold many names; his own personality and different perspectives of oneself. One may be proud of his name, and others can reflect to why people call him a certain characteristic. The possibilities are endless, but for one thing, when a person is referred to a unique characteristic, the critic (or name) will be planted and for the circle of people around him in the current situation, he will be that.

These names, some day, may help a person be themselves. They know who they are around different ethical group of friends. They can refer to their friends as who he is to them, but project hints of his other personalities which will widen his friends' perspective of him. Socialise. These names will be planted in your head so deep that you will eventually refer yourself to that, and it will help you socialise. Trust me. You will end up acting as one, two or all of your affiliated critic and be yourself (hopefully for the best of humanity).

Expect what is not

Expect the unexpected. A common phrase said by people to others that are suffering a surprised situation. Ignorant(s), or careless people (Yes I just categorised humans) would say, doesn't that make the unexpected the expected? No. A straight no, this is no matter of opinion, but of fact and logic.

This is not a matter of taking the phrase literally, but in fact to see it in such a way that it makes sense. I'll jump straight into it then. Expect the unexpected. Expect is the action we're supposed to do or rather feel about something that's coming. While unexpected is something surprising, something... most possibly that will catch us off guard.

That was the literal terms. Now, what I meant that it is not a simple 'then the unexpected is expected' is because that's not how our brain works. It is in fact to create a landing pad or something that's coming.. To be prepared. To have a defense mechanism or a wall of protection to absorb something that you wouldn't be usually be prepared for. Okay, for some cases the 'unexpected' is something opposite, instead of a yes answer, it's a no. What if it was a problem that has been building for a while? Even years?

Easier (will be) said than done. It is to create possible scenarios of the situation in which you are in. Jot it down on a paper to remember. Anything to get your head working on the situation. This will then create an imagery that you will think through for a time being and make you think 'what if I do this, what will happen?' or 'what if I do that, will she answer?'. The outcomes are variable and there are a lot of possibilities to everything. Hence the phrase is made.

Expect the unexpected. A phrase that will make your mind work through tens of scenarios that you hope to happen. A phrase, if triggered, will conjure up a current situation into possible branching scenarios. That is how to expect the unexpected.

What is trust in a word of idiocy?

We have all thought to ourselves; who can we trust? Who is relevant for us to tell this information to?

We all have that deep secret of ours that we don’t want to tell anyone, but with time, we'll want to relieve it out of our head and just let it flow out. We can't just ventilate it to any random friend in case of our greatest fear; they tell the world. Then how? How do we know who to trust that we can tell anything or everything about?

Everyone has their own little criteria; then again, we have lived with people who would have reasons why we can't tell them anything. I usually just give up and tell no one. Yet, there is a way to ventilate emotions that have built up inside, in the process of what I call, redefinition of trust.

I used to think that to trust someone, they should be aware of your situation. That didn't change, another thing is that they have lived certain aspects of my (in this case; yours) life. Next, if they're helpful, then I can trust them. The latter two are variables that can change, and if there's only one of the two, that person to a certain extent, can be trustworthy. Now the last point is the specific or, in a cheesy aspect, special reason why I trust a person. For every person there's a different reason. Maybe for you, you like the person or that they're your best friend, therefore you trust them. For me, it's neither of the two (I'm letting you in on this one). It is in fact whether I'm comfortable around or talking to the person. Can they comfort me? Can or do they make me laugh happily? That's my call.

Back to redefinition (this is not a definition from the dictionary or anything). Now take any two of the points that I've mentioned; (about the person)

• Awareness of your situation
• Lived certain aspects of your life with you
• Helpful
• Or the 'specific reasoning'

Choose any two (or 3) of these (keep in mind you have more reasons than this) and apply it to a person you want to rant to and if these two (or 3) or the entire criteria match, then they're applicable in this 'redefinition of trust'.

What next? That’s what you're wondering right now. Next step is to hold your ground. Hold it and take a breather, think back of what you're ventilating about, backtrack your problems, or whatever it is. After all you don't want to end up ranting about irrelevant things or other things that are not supposed to be told. Besides, this person that you applied to isn't liable to everything. You can't tell or burden him/her with all your, let's say, memory extraction. It's only a part of your secret.

Basically the point of trusting a person is to let things out, but not in this case. This one, you only tell them a part of your memory extraction, not all of it, unless you're sure... In this way you relieve pressure bit by bit.

The next phase is to do the same things (doesn't have to be applied with the same reason) but to a different person, and tell them another side of your story. Right now you're thinking, this is harsh, and that you are (or my technique is) using people to your own good. Well if you've been through shit, you wouldn't care less. No, I'm kidding, not really. In any way this isn't mean, this is relieving your stress, and making people feel trusted, a win-win situation.

P.S If I were you, the different people that you trust shouldn't be close friends or anything, or else they can share their side of their story and catch you red handed, even though that will be funny. Dark humour right there.

So, what exactly is the redefinition of trust? It is manipulating one's own doubts or stresses to be expressed little by little to certain points of one's life* to relieve one's pressure from an existing problem and avoid being judged.

Now this is a different article over all, I don't even know the link with this and the title. Basically at times like this, in a world like ours, it i s rare to find one so trustworthy and reliable.

As a last touch; now, tell me what your reasons to trust a person are. Be anonymous, DMs, inboxes, anything.

*meaning that the different people probably experienced different sides of one's life

--There may be cases of paranoia after this where people think others are burdened by their problems. I don't blame you. But Hey, if anything, I'm here! No burdens at all!

An alienating influence

I was watching Chronicle the other day, the movie of three boys who had superpowers from some kind of radiation. I guess this will be a bit of a spoiler, but I'm writing it anyway.

So this movie was about how three boys found out they had the ability of telekinesis, the power of moving objects without contact. Now here's the thing, they're good boys, no trouble, I guess just young adults who wants little fun here and there, jokes here and there, but no major victims or anything. One of the kid had an abusive family therefore having the power was something to vent to, he'd fly his camera around the room instead of sleeping and all that. The movie itself, you'll have to watch it, here I'm talking about how a protagonist becomes an antagonist.

I'm focusing on this abusive family kid. So basically this kid was a loner before he came close to the other two, and then they got the power, which then linked them, even closer. No one else knows about this power, so it's a secret that bonded them.

Somehow his father talked to him saying that originally he had had no friends, and that all of his friends are fake, no one to trust, etc.

Here's the thing, this kid doesn't look up to his dad, nor does he even like him. So why, in the end, does he listen and believe his father?

If you're reading this, I assume that you have a sibling or two of some kind right? Probably a big brother and a smaller sister, or a sibling of the same gender. As you grow up, there will be controversies of opinion between you and your sibling hence the buildup of sibling bonds. This kid, he didn't have any siblings, and as a guy the person he looks up to is his dad. The only, yet abusive, dad he has. Question is; why does he look up to a guy he doesn't like?

We all have our own role models, may it be a famous person, or someone in your family. This person is the person who you'd look up to, believe, and expect from right? At one point or another, you'd find flaws in this person, and ask yourself, can I really believe this person? But in your conscience that was a rhetorical person and you'd stick to this person the rest of your life. You would simply believe or trust this person won't you? BUT, if you didn't have anyone else but your abusive dad, who would you look up to? Who can you believe?

Hard question wasn't that. My point is that, some people look up to the wrong models, they look up to that model out of desperation of options, they don't know anything about the world, but from that person, and if you've stuck to that person since your childhood, you would listen to him and think about what he's said to you, however much you dislike him.

So think of it this way, if you're a guy I assume you look up to your dad more than your mom right? (Vice versa to girls) Now, what if they were abusive? See, you can't see them that way. If they were abusive, you'd fantasize them being normal, and this was what the kid was doing, he listens to his dad, as much as he hates his dad, whatever his dad says sticks to him.

Ever heard the quote 'Love can make people do crazy things'? Well desperation can make people be crazy. The kid was desperate enough to know the world through someone else's eyes and his dad was just the one to give him that vision, even though it's negative. He believed, acted on even, to what his dad said. He had no friends.

If you were convinced to have no friends, you would leave your friends and detach yourself from the social groups, slowly but surely. Some will notice, others won't. The ones that notice will try to boost your self-esteem, yet you're so convinced that you didn't care anymore, hence you'll do crazy things. Do things that are so selfish that you think won't affect anyone, but in fact it affects your friends.

I may not be perfect. We aren't.

To be honest, I haven't had any inspirations, or rather topics I've wanted to write lately. To be honest to myself, no one reads these for granted. It's that time in life where, there are so much going on, yet so few happenings at the same time. It's that time where you can't really express yourself; what you want, what you need, what you're looking for. Who you are. Who you will be.

There was this author who came to my school today, I gotta say the way he writes, I can relate to. So I'm just going to talk in general, the title, at this point I haven't thought of, so whatever it will be, it's not link to any of the text so far.

What I want to talk about now, is nothing in particular. Nothing specific. Just simply everything in general. I may not be perfect.

We've heard that said so many times by so many people 'I know I'm not perfect' but why is it then, these people still think they matter. Think they exist. Think they're THE one. I will be honest, that I'm still like that. Everyone is. If I say we can't avoid it, I'm wrong, but if I say people can leave it be, I'm also wrong. It is thus unavoidable human nature, but it is preventable. Arrogance. Pride. They're the main factors in such humans. Experience. Knowledge. they're also the characters of such personality.

So often I'm in a situation where one person is rationally right, yet the other is considerate. If I think about it, both are right, and both have a stand point, but at times I just think why can't they see it any other way? We are not perfect.

Narrow minded people. Sometimes I forgive them, for their lack of knowledge, lack of experience. Let's get to the point, I'm South-East-Asian, living in an Arab country, learning in a western (English) community, I can say without doubt I have at least a taste of different cultures of half of the world. I've lived, bullied, loved, cared for, left out. I can also say that I have a rough idea of how a lot of people are feeling right now. There are certain things I have not felt, suffering. I know my place, I know my stance, yet I have my reasons and in the journey through all this, I have my experience with me which helps me think everything through. Analysing consequences. I am not perfect.

I don't know how to end this, or conclude all this. Was this an overall image of how I see people around me? I'm not sure. Was this just how selfish people are, including me? Neither am I sure. All I know is that, this is a simple observation I made among my friends, the bigger picture. When I say my friends, I mean every one of them, the geniuses, the not-so-smart ones, the averages, every-single-one-of-them.