Surreal realisation

As an observant of people, I get used to getting to know how other people feel towards others or things. It takes a while to understand the clockwork in such peculiar behaviours. I never got the hang of how I manage to understand a lot of these things until recently. I mean the world has held billions and billions of beings, each having their own single purpose and that not every one is the same.

A scientist who earns to research about plants and it's system will experiment with a real-living and breathing subject, in this case a real plant. He will also would want to reproduce the like in such a manner that he can use it as an innovation, in this case he will invent something artificial that will work like plants but are not real plants. This may be because he wants to know how the nature works without deceasing factors.

A car racer would test his driving on a simulator, or say he tried a new manoeuvre that might be fatal to his car, he would test this on a simulator to be sure that it is safe and won't go wrong and kill someone off.

The point isn't comparing an observant to any professional jobs like the ever-so-supported scientists and racers. The reason in the comparison is that their steps to achieve a successful result is by comparing a natural subject by an artificial subject. In the racer's case his idealism was the natural subject and the simulator as the artificial.

Seeing another person in another light, or any other person in general, isn't an easy feat, considering that one person can generate thousands of possibilities that can change the world in a  thousand different ways, literally. To reach to an agreement level we need to know what they are capable of in generating the possibilities around them. Like the scientist, he cannot understand the nature first hand, but rather by hypothesis-es made in the past and what plants have done through observation.

Okay no, we're not talking about how many possibilities people have, but how observations takes place. Unconsciously, an observant would imitate their subject in a way that they are virtually in their position, but still have that overall mindset of themselves. I wasn't aware of this at all, I just thought that being able to think like others was a plus. I thought this was normal.

I realised that what have kept me going and moving in the tidal motion was the numerous emotions and situations that people are in, in which I also simulate within my own reality to understand the differences in the world that is orbiting around us.

Now then, as a personal recall, it was a simple interval between breathing. It was no biggie, but I realised that it was a controlled breathing. Naturally we breathe involuntarily, unlike the heart beating, we can stop breathing instantly. I mean it is normal human instinct to be conscious of their breathing when someone points it out, but this was different. And then the thought struck me, it wasn't me being cautious about my breathing or the subject, but it was me asking 'why is he/she controlling his/her breathing?'. Ten the brainstorm came, conclusions emerged, and no definite answer appeared.

Disappearances

I stumbled upon this phrase in a book;

"Possibly it had occurred to him that the colossal significance of that light had now vanished forever."

I don't know how to start this, but it's just that oh I don't know. I know for a fact that I'm someone who longs for a lot of things. I also know for a fact that what I tend to long for are things that would really be very very precious to me. But of course, some longings gnaws more than others.

There are instances where I want things to happen like; know someone better, meet someone, write something or draw something. But these things are temporary. They tend to happen, and then go away as it is done.
Let me go off topic for a bit, this phrase basically means that, after a long time of wanting something and after hard work, when you finally reach the part where you get what you want, everything vanishes. Not vanish in a way that the work you did paid off, but more like, after all your attempts, failures and then getting back up, all you can think of is 'is this really it? This is what I longed for?'. It is that kind of vanishing.
I mean it happens, the fact that we are human and we never get satisfied of what we have. As a kid, I'd want a new gaming console and five games with it, I begged and begged. I proved my parents I earn it, but oh wait! When I finally got it, I barely touched it, I played it for a full day and left it to dust.

Back to what I've been saying, it's also not always your nature to not be satisfied. Say you want to know and meet someone so bad. Say he's a friend of your friend, and you've just met over the web and you guys just have awesome conversations. Say that. As soon as the day comes and you are to meet that friend, you are hyped. But then, oh this gets better, then he turns out to be the most arrogant, oblivious, and unhelpful person you know in person, where all your wants and longings to know a person in person just disappears.

A colossal significance that have motored you to your hopes and the wishful thinking of having someone new in your life and that he or she would have a big impact if you really know them in person just gone poof. Into thin air.

Ideas cannot die.

It has been a while since I've added company in this blog. Believe me this is alive! Not dormant, no, I can't let that.

This is not a proper post, it's just here to fill in the space for a lost idea. I had one, this golden, well structured (in my head at least) idealistic expression where it would have covered a lot of current situation but I lost it. So I'm here to mourn this idea, because the strongest weapon anyone can have is an idea, and why is it the strongest? Because ideas cannot die. Ideas can be created from the simplest of scratch.

Here's to lost ideas, and to avoid any more. Remember to note down, physically, ideas you have.

Here's to lost ideas.

Here's to the survivors.

There are times I really don't think I will ever make it. I have no idea what keeps me going. No, no... I know what keeps me going; Faith.

There are times, I think I'll  never be committed to anything. There are also times I get proven wrong. I know the many conflicts out there, the cases needs to be taken care of. The famine, the wars, the massacres. There are also people who are against it, gets the world to be aware of it. For me, that is enough, I shall not get myself in their game, for I will only make it worse. I care for them, but I cannot just commit. There's one thing I currently am committed to, or at least for the past several years. The link of suicide to bullying. Now for those who know me, it's not a surprise, I have made outcries (personal, and limited) about these happenings. I admit I do cry myself thinking about them. Those who fell victim. Who are victims.
The latest case was (or is?) Amanda Todd. Canadian teen. My age roughly. She ended her life a few days ago, 10th October. This is just a post dedicated to her. Specifically to her, but also to everyone else out there, victims of society. Everyone out there who are still surviving and battling against society. She ended her life, and I know I can't go back in time and fix that, what I can is prevent future happenings. The dam will break one day. To everyone out there, I care. To everyone out there, stay strong. To everyone out there (and to Amanda) you are (were) not alone.
Her death isn't for us to mourn longingly, but for us to show the world that we are strong to hold on.

Rest in peace Amanda.

That mask everyone talks about

'I can cover cover my problems easily/I'm good at hiding my feelings' is a sub-conscious thought as what other people think. Think of it this way, you're hiding a book from someone, but you;re holding the book. What are you gonna do? If you put it under your shirt or holding it behind you, the person will ask. the easiest way is actually to just hold it as if it's a normal object. No one will be curious. It goes with feelings, you try to hide it, everyone notices. You make it YOU, no one will ask anything about it. Which means sadness is your comfort zone.

Have you ever wondered, when someone broke down in front of you and you didn't expect it, how did they hold it in in the first place? Have you thought why you never noticed them? Let's be blunt, this is for the people who cares, and wants to be cared for. Not for you judgmental people.

Being honest with you and myself, I never thought of this. I just thought that everyone who can hide their feelings are able to take on their problems alone, and everyday. They suffer the constant breakdowns and emotional swings that comes and go in short periods. I thought that, they're able to fake that smile into originality, or that breakdown into an active, hyper-self. I thought wrong, or well at least I think I did.

Do you want to know what I think? I think that they never hide it. Simple as that. Okay they may cover it up sometimes, but they don't hide it.

As to why, I'm coming onto that. I'll kick it off with an easy metaphoric sense. Imagine a gift you just got from a close friend. Now imagine that gift is something special, vulnerable and precious that you don't want anyone else to know about it (Or leave it alone), but as you're walking you meet a lot of friends. If you were to hide it, say under your shirt, the bulge will show right? If you hold it behind your back, you have to keep your arms behind you too. These actions will, of course, rise questions to you by your friends. 'What are you holding?' 'Why are you hiding something?'. For people who wants to be heard, then this is what they do, they want to act as if they're hiding it. Beside the point.

Imagine that this special gift is your vulnerable and fragile feelings (or personal issues). Excuse the difference of a special gift to a negative feeling. It's pretty harsh that I compare a feeling with an object, because emotions are very very fragile, but then again objects can arise past emotions. Imagine you just had a pretty rough weekend, and when you come back to school, you don't want any of your friends to know you're down because you feel bad you'll definitely try to hide it. The next moment, some of your friends start asking questions because you're acting differently, this is what happens when you try to hide something. You over-react or over-do something that should be normal, which makes that action out-of-place to your friends. You're still wondering how people hide their feelings I hope.

Out of all this, I think that what people do, is that they actually don't try to hide it at all. Their face is like an open book. Their actions is like a snail sliding slowly and a cheetah running fast, normal. They live as purely who they are behind the so-called cover or mask. It's something you won't believe. Let's bring the special gift back. Imagine that this gift was a ring your friend gave. In the first time you were given it, you didn't try to hide it, and despite people asking what it was, you can make up an answer like 'It was a late birthday present' and no one will ask again. The next day you wear the ring and they ask again who it was from, you can answer 'oh it was the gift I got yesterday'. Case closed. You wear the ring every day, it's a part of you. No one bothers you with it. It is this feeling, when someone ask and you answer 'oh.. I'm just tired.' They acknowledge you with it, and you do this every other day, they assume you're just tired. Make that emotion you. It's a funny thought, but it's really that because we are used to the norm that we don't ask, even if it really is a negative, out-of-place thing.

People who are able to practice this with ease, actually showing their emotions find that sadness (I have no idea how I can describe it) a comfort zone. 'When you're sad, you're in your comfort zone' I was told this once, and I understood it just now. People like this are so used to having their emotions swing, their urge-to-punch-a-wall come and go, and would deal with it with ease. You can say that this is what people call reverse psychology, actually doing something opposite what people are saying you do. People who hide their feelings doesn't wear mask. They, in fact, are naked.

So next time you find a person breaking down for a small thing, note that it's normal to you for a small thing to happen, but for them, it kills them.

It's not about what dress or suit you're wearing that makes you attract people. It's about how you can  attract people with a plain shirt and jeans.

The world isn't a perfect sphere

Haven't we just heard enough from movies or books where a supposedly inspiring and recurring character comes in with mysteries and say 'look out to the open' or 'look deeper within the soul and you will see the world'. Definitely not the exact words, but you know what I mean. Yes one very particular way of seeing the world is to know oneself and look within oneself, but it doesn't have to be that deep or meaningful or difficult.

I'm sure every person would like to see everything as an overall, despite themselves not realising it because of the usual human's virtue of being selfish and very, very oblivious to what is not theirs. I don't blame anyone for that, I know for once I'm selfish... On some cases. Anyway, moving on, it is very normal then to find yourself finding out about something which makes you think 'this has been happening all my life and I didn't notice it'. Because sometimes it is such a normality that you think it happens to everyone.

Where am I getting with this you may ask. There are no exact ways as to how can you see everything widely, more or less in a third person perspective. Putting yourself in someone's shoes is another common phrase we hear to emphasise a feeling where we would not usually feel, to create the audience think again. It is very much like that, but this time it's more like 'put yourself in everyone's shoes'.

I will not go down the 'go look in your heart' road. This is just a stimulus to start seeing the world differently. I know from other people that (who's already done so) they see this bubble we're in very differently to me. Some through their own eyes but with a sympathetic approach. There are many ways to it, but there's always a few key points (that are the same) to every variable.

1. Being honest to yourself
2. Evaluate every move and action. Even possible or future actions.
3. Put yourself in their shoes simultaneously.

By being honest, I mean being honest. Accept who you are. Be who you are. On some occasions, we know that we try to fit in right? Where we'd lie to convince friends that you're good enough for them, or you're the same as them. This is a no-no. "I like cars and mechanics, they like sports. Don't try to fit in, be proud" This is the kind of thought you should put into yourself. Don't ever, ever try to convince yourself otherwise.

Evaluating is by seeing it to every detail. What would happen if I didn't choose this path? What other paths are there anyway? Now what? These various questions, which of course you have to have an answer to, even illogical ones, will lead to a level of understanding where there are many possibilities that you may have reached within the thought of impossibilities. Say, you think that being able to do something like sports is impossible to you. As you progress on, choosing your path away from it, you will find that crack that proves you wrong. So on your next move, be very very (sorry) f****** careful. Regret is not the first thought you think of after the first 3 moves. I think I've covered about evaluation, which I called analysing consequences.

Say you heard the news about conflicts in a country continents away, a bombing in your country, a congressman being elected in another. Put yourself in every person you can see's shoes. For the conflicts, think if you were the leader and the rebels. The bombing, see yourself in the terrorists' shoes, the victims, and your leaders' shoes to see how you would solve such a problem. In the elections, see yourself as the person's citizen's, workers, the congressman himself, or the whole country's reaction to it. It is a tough task when said and done. 

This way you are able to see that your well-being is very insignificant, yet very very significant. As a whole you may not make a change at all, but in your own community you can make the biggest change. You see when you have learnt such ways, you will build a nature against hatred, regrets and negative temptations, and become more patient, composed and decisive. Yes there are still wrong turns that you will take, but you will learn to fix it very smoothly and swiftly like nothing ever happened. Nobody is perfect, neither is the world a perfect sphere. That doesn't mean you cannot understand the Earth's orbit and axis, or a person's reaction and behaviour.

The normal is also an abnormality.

Alright, who here have friends all over the world? I'm largely assuming if you're reading this, the answer is yes. They don't have to be of different nationalities. It can be someone like you, but living abroad, you know the like.

I'll go over being abroad first, because to be honest, it will be hard to talk about being in the country you're born. Right, here we go. So I left Indonesia at a fairly young age of 7. Leaving my friends behind, my school, my normal activities I  have done since I was born.. Towards new friends, culture, school and a whole set of different activities. Why am I stretching this topic, because I'm not sure where to start. Okay let's try this...

Being abroad for years have really taught you to stick to your natural culture, aka your parents' culture because of the way they bring you up. Yet you have to be able to live in the outer realms of your house with people from another culture, and being in Qatar, it's a  lot of other sets of cultures. I'm now mentioning cultures because the various people react to various things, easiest would be eating. Some tend to use spoons, others chopsticks, and others just knives and forks. That's one thing to learn, the others would be the interaction with people there are different ways, where I cannot explain clearly, because of the very, very minor adaptations that takes on through time. I realise this when I re-connect with friends from my country, there's that tension where we're not used to each other.

I've sometimes bruised these differences, and say hurt someone because I didn't know that it wasn't something normal for them. On other instances I wouldn't laugh at something because I didn't know it was a joke. Communication isn't the major point here, but rather how we feel about what we think is normal.

See, if I were to be switched with someone who's lived their life back in their home country, and knowing someone like me who's been abroad for half their life, I would see myself as someone who's oblivious to that outer world. I would put them into the norm and think that they're used to local cultures, or in Indonesia, there are 'funky' or 'slang' words that the youngsters would use.

I'm not implying that you should be globalised or updated to the world in the context of socialising, neither should you not. It's that people have very big differences and we should be very careful with our approach on socialising. I admit that I tend to just talk with people, not thinking whether this is a real person or not, considering it is the big interwebs-of-websites, But you see it's sometimes the differences that begin to separate us, the mis-understanding between two beliefs that will collide roughly and contradict with each other.

One within a million.

Yeah you read it right, it's one within a million, not in a million. It's another spur-of-inspiration. I didn't know how it come to, but it's all about the context of placing ideas. I don't know how to put it clearly, but it's the possibilities of thoughts. A million thoughts and ways and directions, but in the end you would only have to choose one. A perfect match or the complete opposite. Those are the possibilities.

An instant example is now. I'm writing this because I had a spontaneous idea inside my head. A perfect match. I thought that it would make out a good writing or description or explanation. Right, at times you would stumble upon bad decisions or perfect situations. Maybe even a bad decision that led to a perfect situation. Of every moment, of every situation there are chances, possibilities, that will lead to multiple paths.

There's a motion which triggers my actions which I call analysing consequences. Most people would have this happen in their head unconsciously, which then leads to their paths. To me it's a reality, a conscious thought that drives me. On several seminars, conferences, talks I have had, people have brushed this topic but never really meant to, or maybe they just don't know. In any way, what it means is basically what it says. Analysing, the act of skim-reading, pointing out major flaws and then going deeper into slow-reading, fixing the minor and smaller, yet fatal, flaws. Consequences, the outcome after a major action is stimulated into reality and is in immediate affection. If you think about it, doing such thing, can take a long time... In conversations where the interactions goes around 10 seconds before response is given, that is the only time given to you to analyse your next response. On a bigger picture, you would have a week to make an excuse why you didn't do your homework.

Here's where the million comes in. In any situation there can only be one decisive act, but there are a million acts that can be chosen from. Literally a million. You would have to analyse the situation you're in, and the action you're going to take. From that you would then come up with the possible consequence. Note that when I say consequence it does not mean negative (nor positive), it just means the outcome or the result of your actions.

This does not only apply for day-to-day decisions but times like these. by these I mean, times like when I'm writing this. You may or you may not know, I write from the head, I don't have a plot, a character, or any basic idea of what I write about. As my hand glides from letter to letter, I analyse every consequence that will lead from this writing. Basically this motion applies for anything. Like now, it is the formation of ideas from the head into words or text. I'm sure that your head right now works on 200 TB/s, yeah that's 200 terabytes per second. Everything you have thought of, you have done, you have read, you have watched are all in your head, but you're still capable of focusing to read this. Focusing of the mind is the sub-conscious' automatic act of analysing the consequences. You tend to focus because the consequences of not focusing is that you will mis-read, misunderstand or miss some words.

That was the quick-to-react concept of analysing consequences. Now to the slower paced and easier to do within a short time is analysing people and what consequences will they affect you from. There are probably up to a thousand kids in your school, but you're not close to every one of them. Why? Because you're not on the same level of understanding. You're not friends with KG, because they're too young to understand your jokes. That kind of thing. I wouldn't bother with this one because you would probably figure how it is.

Back to the possibilities of millions. On a daily basis you would have made various decisions, from waking up from bed 5 minutes early/or late, to drinking tea with a saucer or not. When you finish with school, it is whether you take the easiest course, the course you love, or the most useful course. These paths, decisions, hopes, dreams will take you to certain paths, and one day your paths will intercept another's paths. This is when that person have take multiple similar paths. What I mean is that that person have chosen the same or similar paths more than twice, and leads to both of your path intercepting. Of every path, and every interception there is interaction.

Interaction is when these two paths collide and would then want to find out which paths brought them to that particular moment. It is then another decision for them, this time a collective decision, whether they want to continue within a similar route or pass ways. When they continue in parallel routes, and have gone on for quiet a while, that the bond between them is hard to break, or when they are in perpendicular routes, they drift apart easily. These two are not the only possibilities, there's one rare interception. One rare interception in a million interception. This is when two paths collide, intercept and stick together.

A rare occurrence indeed, when these two paths decide to move away, because it is close to impossible for such paths to move away from the perfection of the bond. You may think, that this has something to do with a perfect match for you, but it's also another thing. It is that bond that would guide you, within (the typical teenage) relationships or just two (or maybe more; but even rarer) acquaintances that have caught each other within their grasp and move on together.

(To be honest I feel like I'm violating my own rules of dependence. with this analysing consequences info, but one way or another others need to know.)

The spectrum of being.

I'm not sure what it is people used to say about a person's true colours. Was it on a negative or positive note, I can't remember. All I can say is that this metaphorical sense is what runs in on our heads but we don't notice it. Things like, say a detective or psychopath story, there are nooks and crannies like an extraordinary ability of observation and you wonder how they can do it. Everyone can do it, it's just a matter of what you want and need to see. So generally speaking you can observe a room and see a tiny pin at the side of your eyes that looks out of place, but you just don't naturally, register it. I offer teaching techniques, but that's not what this is about.

I was struck with the idea of such human behaviour and did not plan to write it before a friend of mine told me to. It really didn't occur to me, because to be honest the reasons of curiosity was personal... In a way.

I was thinking over about a recent gathering I had with my friends, despite having a great time, it wasn't that that I was thinking or dwelling on about. it was in fact that aura of presence and their want to do things. Aura of presence isn't in the sense of a magical blue and orange glow, more of what they subconsciously presented themselves in at the day.

It is more of a literal perspective where I actually asked them what their favourite colour(s) is(are), it's not of that particular occasion, but the many times I have seen them from memory. I guessed majority of them off easily, and others, I thought I was wrong, and thought back I wasn't looking at the right subjects just yet. Let's just say, if I present them with a colour that's not their said favourite, they will hesitantly accept. Because, as much as they tell themselves it's not their colour, they know it is. I'm not one to judge I know, but it's who we are.

To think that long was just an explanation of this all. You wouldn't see a person in a mall with a red shirt and assume red is their colour, because chances are, it's not. (I lied, it probably is, above 60-40 chance).

Here's how I see it, you are what you eat right? You are also what you wear, show and tell.

I don't see this getting anywhere exact, so I'm going to try to write a structured one now. How does the literal spectrum compare to a person's true colour? If I can say bluntly, your preferred colour differs daily or weekly. You're in a mood to wear red today so you can wear the white dress tomorrow. On that differing basis, then the colour preference changes with a person's mood, situation, feeling and that particular other. Maybe weather factor too, but that's for psychologists to research.

On a temporary basis then, people differs right, adapts easily. On a long-shot perspective though it's different. It's like a long-term stock-marketer, he'd check his stocks every 2 years, while a daily stock-marketer checks his every hour. That's one, complicated too, way to look at it. Now what we're dealing with are the colours used, like a stock-marketer deal with the company stocks they follow. The richer, or say the ones who has the least risk are the ones who's got several companies to hold. Multiple foundations. A person with pretty colours have differing selves that make it easy for them to adapt to new environment and socialise. It's not always true. I cannot contradict nor side with this 'not always true' point, but that's what it is.

What I can say is that, whatever colour a person represent or favourite, I can assure you it's not their true self, sometimes it's just what they want to be. Bluntly I am into grey, blue and pink. They oppose one another, yet blue and pink is a match in other ways. Okay, that's what I see, you geniuses probably think not.  Point is that your colour isn't you. Many of the answers were blue, when I mean many, I mean many. Well one answered that their favourite colour was blue, but unconsciously they actually like grey. I know. That guy with the white? Yeah, his is red. Also that guy in black. His is black. Some unintentionally represent themselves as... Themselves. To be totally honest? I am clueless. Scientists study insects, water, space, but not ourselves. Our brains and organs yes, but not what makes us, us. Religion tells us and builds us, science explains to us, but we need that path to self-understanding and know who we really are. Different beings have different ways. Why are grasshoppers green and tigers black on orange?  Grasshoppers need camouflage to hide themselves, and Tigers can stand out all they want because they aren't afraid. Real men wear pink. We've all heard it right, I think that the basis as such phrase isn't that men should wear pink, despite pink being a men's colour back in Victorian Era. It's more like, the individuals that aren't afraid to be mocked about who they are, and what they do are ones who will survive this tough world. Or back to the grasshopper, ones who adapt themselves flexibly won't need to worry about major changes because they are used to blend in.


As a baby you are born with a blank mind. As you grow, the spectrum fills in. Some colours has more tendency than others. not colours literally, but barriers of being.

A drop of paint on canvas

I will start this, like I usually start my writings, with a question. Have you ever ask yourself how can a person be creative? You are probably THE creative friend, therefore wonder why people ask you the question. You also probably ask how can professional artists be creative? If you aren't the creative kind, like me, no matter... This isn't about any kind in particular, but an advice to how can someone be creative. How can someone be able to come up with ideas in an instant? Sometimes abnormal and out of the box ideas, but very, very logical. This isn't only about paintings, sketching, fiction writing... But the whole idea of, well, idealism. Creativity. I would like other views where people can be creative at the end of this post; opinions welcome anywhere.

How, then, can someone be creative? Is it talent? Is it luck? Did he just come up with the idea without thinking? Was she thinking about it at the time? The answer to all that is; Maybe. We'll never know unless one admits. Artists are always creative though, right? Here I refer artists to idealists. Creators.

Honestly, and I'm sure everyone cannot deny it, I think everyone IS creative. At any given time, given place. How, you may ask. One universal reason is that, you cannot be oblivious to the world. If I'm not mistake, Albert Einstein once said "Knowledge is Power". It's true, the more you know the more you can use information to extrapolate, manipulate, create, destroy, imagine, hope the happenings in this world. In a given situation where you have to be creative you will use your knowledge, various informations extracted int he past, to create something new. Say put something you read when you were in elementary school with something you watched just yesterday. Both information can win you over. Give a case study here; A kid read about cranes and pulleys when he was a kid. Now in his job he's told to carry a big load up a few steps. Yesterday he just watched a DIY show. He used his knowledge on cranes and pulleys' physics and the DIY tools to create a mini pulley for that particular job. That's being creative.

That is, more than less, true. There is yet one thing, maybe not the only one-other-thing but a big thing. One thing that affects our creativity.
A baby cannot be creative because he has not understood himself or the world. Kids between 3 to 7 years old are sometimes VERY creative it's illogical. That's because he has mastered the power of knowledge and understanding. New knowledge of the world, and the understanding of his own abilities. That is the other thing to being creative; To know and understand oneself in a new situation. the fact that one knows oneself well enough, very well actually, to be able to express. I can be very dull when coming to creating ideas that I never, ever say what my brain is storming in such situations. Now we know where I go wrong. You can laugh! HAHAHAHAH. Okay keep this writing serious...

When you think about it, your creativity can equalise what the 3-7 years-old kid imagined. The road to understanding yourself fully at this stage is hard. We grow, we experience, and we know more. We tend to shift ourselves... or being extreme, we change ourselves. Changing, growing, and experiencing ourselves to fit in our universal situation. I cannot say how exactly to be able to understand ourselves, you just do... After a long journey. In anyway, as our creativity range from dul lthings to very illogical things, equalising that of a mere kid, we barely blurt out our ideas. Here's where the fun comes in, I can tell even at an age of 25 and above, people will still have crazy ideas, but what stops them? Maturity. This is what also stops us from drawing elephants with wings. Ships that sail upside down. Cars that are driven by dogs.

here you have it, the key to creativity is knowing yourself and the world. By knowing the world you are fed various ideas from the dullest to the funnest. From the most corrupted of ideas to the most innovative. Also by knowing yourself you are able to express what is needed to be said and which kind of information is used for the situation.  Maybe that corrupted information you heard will create the most innovative inventions that saves the world. Mixed with the right innovative, fun, easy ingredients.

Dreamseller by Augusto Cury

Just a note, this post has nothing to do with the book Dreamseller-Augusto Cury, I just thought the title is appropriate, but hate not referencing to the author.


In a way, I grew up with a set of stubborn thoughts. Thoughts that I thought wouldn't be creative enough to differ. Okay I'm not saying I'm creative now, I doubt it, but I have managed to differ from my original set of thoughts through the various experience every human takes on in life. I grew up thinking that dreamers are high school drop-outs, people with no jobs, the homeless, the helpless, the druggies, and the hippies... Failures. Maybe not all of you think the same prior to 'growing-up', but in my mother tongue, in a way, the word translate into something like a 'hopeless hopeful' the 'hopeless' being an object or person and 'hopeful' being a feeling. I also grew up with a different set of thoughts that changes everything, that changes... the way I think. Dreamers to me are noe the hopeful, the intelligent, the inventors and the ones who will change the world. I would say 'one day will change the world', but in fact no, they already are changing the world. I quote from my friends, on their opinions of dreamers:

• Opinion 1: really creative and maybe delusional.
• Opinion 2: someone who has an unrealistic but great vision of what will come in the future. Will try really hard to make it come true.
• Opinion 3: someone who believes in the impossible and waits for the 'expect the unexpected' moments.

It's clear that what they think of dreamers, is the latter set of thoughts that I have thought of them. Although the first opinion has that opposing view of dreamers being delusional, or else, mentally challenged. I have to admit it's true. With all the historical geniuses, or high-achievers, not one I think, not one has perfect health. Albert Einstein had dyslexia, Graeme Obree had depression and attempted suicide. They wanted to either see the world in a better place or want to achieve over someone else. Einstein found or created the theory of relativity among other things, while Graeme Obree beat the cycling world record in his time more than three times. These are dreamers, stopping at nothing to reach the top of the world. Dreamers aren't people who just sit on their window sill and dream of a perfect world, but rather sitting at a lab or a bike and making it happen. Dreamers aren't the people who make a perfect world, but have a specific thought and work with other differing dreamers to change the world. An inventor will want to work with a designer. A psychologist will want to work with teachers. now go figure why...
Can a perfectionist change? Yes they can, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that people who have such a tidy mindset and lifestyle will tend to do what they think is perfect and will act towards their thoughts. No dreamers are perfectionists, their thoughts race from the furthest tip of our solar system to the deepest core of the Sun. They have a wide range of thoughts, although I have said that they have a specific thought, it is because of that wide range of idealism that they find flaw in one thing (at times several things too) and move towards that specific thing. Before moving to the next flaw.
Think of the stars (these thoughts are now taken from a friend of mine) you will think of how vast the universe is and that is there a definite end to it? Or is it Infinite? There's no saying. That's how wide a dreamer's idealism are. Even if the universe is finite, how much ideas can you fit in it? you're barely a pixel compared to the Sun, and the Sun is barely a quarter of a pixel of the universe.

 This is not a challenge, but a request. A request for all of us to walk hand-in-hand to be dreamers. 

Dreamers who will change the world. 

Dreamers who will create ideas and make them happen effectively for the greater good. 

The greater good...

A character is an author's best-friend.

There's one thing about books, and there is another about movies. Movies have characters, played by actors. and Actors live behind the screen. But books... Books have characters, and characters only. And characters are played by the various personalities of the authors, and authors kill to kill their self-flaw.

I am no expert on book reviews but I can assure you I've read enough books to know, maybe not personally, how authors think. Neither am I an expert on movie reviews, but the wide range of media have allowed us to be able to know what happens behind the scenes, and the personal life of actors. Where am I getting at, you ask? This is to movie lovers and book lovers. To people who tend to be affected by such story lines that touch us, inspire us and/or make us cry. Also to authors, directors and book-adapted movies. This isn't a dedication, but an observation. I can easily say that you've been affected by a movie deeply, because I'm sure everyone does. Cry at the end of a movie, or laugh and share with friends how funny the movie is. Then there's the book, where you also cry at the end, or laugh. This time maybe alone, because you can't relate to anyone. Anyway that's not the point.

When there's a movie, especially when it's book-adapted and with a big star, a lot of people tend to watch it as soon as it comes out. Within the movie, then there's a death, let's say the main character's best friend. Everyone will be touched, and cry. Because it's a big star and his/her sidekick playing, the feeling is short-lived considering that, unconsciously, they think to themselves 'oh the star's alright, it's only 'a character' that died. For the people who've read the book, or watched it for the sake of realising the book, it's a different story.

Have you ever had days after reading a book thinking about the death of even a minor character in a book? Ever wondered, even though it's interesting that an author kills off someone, what that character left off in his or her world? I've went on at times thinking to myself "Why, just why? Someone else could have been killed off rather than -this said character-". I kept going on like this for several books before I noticed what authors, consciously or not, are trying to do. This isn't just any character, minor or not. It's the author themselves. In the FAQ sections, when asked why the author killed off the character, he/she would answer that maybe the character was a minor, or it was inspired by another book or a real-life person. That isn't the full story, trust me. The author did so to change the course of what the author wanted to happen back then. I don't have a book I wrote, I give you that, but I have spent my years writing creatively, whether it's school work or not. I have myself cried when I killed my own character, cause that's when I noticed I'm scratching off a part of me.

Why do authors do this? Firstly, we all have flaws, and if you think you're perfect, I just have three words for you, get a life. (There's a two word one, but let's keep it appropriate.) Authors do this to remove such self-flaws. They think that, if they can't get rid of it themselves, then let his creativity scratch it out. (Can I stick with a 'he' author, it's tiring writing 'he/she/them') He would then think to himself, how will I feel good about this? and he'd come up with something like "Okay, I will make this person(the representation of flaw) a really really nice guy with a dark back-ground, one that not even people inside the book knows. Then I'll kill him, because he hides many emotions and secrets that he's causing harm to himself and the -nation-" This is coming from a conscious writer. When the writer is unconsciously writing it, then he'd have a different approach. He would come up with a twisted-personality of a character of somekind, that in his head, he doesn't know where he came from, and dips him inside the book. Here's another situation, the writer is intrigued by his past. His past with a typical lunch-time bully. He felt that he should have done something about it, but since he grew up and is too late, he's kill him off in the book. Despite the possibility of the grown-up bully himself reading it, then the author will put a slight mock. That's how I see authors, a great one, or a minor author, the various genres, they are still alike. At times I fins myself smiling because I know why the author think like this, or what the author is thinking about.

Today is not what is to come.

overview: sudden midnight urge to write, and just because a friend, a special one, of mine said it was a good phrase.

We are familiar with situations like being paranoid about something, or just simply worried about someone a thousand kilometres apart, because you have a knotted feeling in your stomach. We are also aware that in the modern world, kids who's been affected by the media, social networks, and the rising numbers of bullying lowers their self-cofidence and -image of themselves. These events usually make one so confident, so strong in their social life, and within themselves turn away and change to the weakest and doubtful of beings.

How, then, can something that seems so simple, something that we can look past, not-so-easily in some cases, cause a person to breakdown inside? When someone starts getting criticise... Wait, not that. When someone starts caring about being criticised, they start noticing their flaws. That's how simple it looks, but no. It isn't their flaws that they notice, it is the possible flaw that they think other people see in them. This is a big part, but not a major effect. The problem isn't about caring about it, it's when they start to generate possibilities caused by these possible-flaws. Take a case example (no, this is not a true story case); A boy thinks that his friends talk behind his back. He then starts to brainstorm the faults he has done. In the next few weeks, he would just assume that they don't like him and think to himself "Okay if I talk to him, he'd ditch me. If I talk to her, she'd tell them I was a freak". This way of thought process will then build up, to paranoia, and will get larger and create a delusional section of the mind, and make every move of the subject something against you.

Back to reality. When reality of the boy is that his friends are as normal as a sunny day, and that an event has made this boy to detach himself from what we know as society, and try to blame it on to another source. Another possibility is that, his friends are still as normal as a sunny day, but he has done a fault, something he regrets greatly that in his eyes, it would change his friendship, while in his friends' eyes, it's just a common mistake, something they look past. This tends to cause people to be a perfectionists on the good side, but also depressed on the bad side, this is just because we're scared to confront our own problems and friends and assume what is to come. We tend to overload with the possible outcome but not the definite outcome.

Does society have an age limit as to what it victimizes?

This was a post I wrote for my other blog. Since that one isn't active, and this one is one of my best writings, I'm reposting it here. I posted this on (20-11-2011).

Don't ask how I will start this, or what exactly this -blog- will be about. Just several viewpoints of the world, starting from one most ignored subject, suicide. I was browsing through my facebook page when I saw one of the newsfeeds, and it says '10 year old possible suicide victims'. I personally find self-harming/bullying/depression an act of violence from society towards an individual, so I was outraged by this news.

http://yhoo.it/v3Cg8V ; this is the link to the article if you want to know how outraged I was.

Here I start. In fact, I don't know how to start, the fact on how much disgusted I am to society, or the fact that suicide is not the only answer.

If you've read from my other blog, you'd know my experiences, and I think I mentioned the Golden Gate Bridge documentary, if not then, it's a documentary implying the people that commits suicide there annually.

Well here's the thing, one of the worst enemies of society is bullying (my definition; the act of negatively criticising others without any basic knowledge/relationship about the person), in fact it's probably the worst enemy of society. Like the 2010 incident of 5 or 6 gays committed suicide because of cyber bullying. It hurts you know, to hear these news, it really does. I mean how, do you think, how can people do such things? are they not sane enough to think of the consequences?

Generally, when people hear the word 'abuse' they'll think of physical; hit, smack, kick, punch, you name it. Yes it's painful. Yes it's torturous. Yes it's inappropriate. Yes it is so out of the blue that it should be stopped! no shit right? But let me enlighten another perspective, if physical abuse is the majority knowledge, does that mean there are no other types of abuses? Emotional abuse, this is THE one abuse that I think hurts more. Everyone's been there right? family pressure, peer pressure. they affect your moods, psychological effect on yourself and towards others.

Have you ever thought, after one incident, or an argument you feel like killing that other person just because they don't agree with you? This is not abuse, but it relates, this is you defending your stand-point. You arguing on what you think is right. Now, emotional abuse is when, you're the topic of argument, but this time without a positive view, someone confronting you with your flaws, insulting you, irritating you. This is emotional abuse, or as we know it; bullying.

People usually wonder, or should I say 'Friends' usually wonder, why I defend someone who's not social being bullied by my own 'friends' they don't understand, sadly, the correlation between abuse and self-harming. These are obvious victims, while mostly we've heard that victims of self-harming are people that 'always smiles, is joyful and easy-going'. Life is not as easy as ABC. So you still ask, why I defend them? I love them. Love in the context of being faithful to humanity, to the world we are in.

Let's just get to the point, suicide. When we hear news about suicide, most of us goes like 'he's stupid for doing that.' or 'It's wrong to commit suicide'. YES, it IS wrong, YES it IS stupid, but then again, why don't we ask 'WHY did he do that?' No? never thought of it? okay. Fine, that's how the world is, maybe I can't change everyone's views, but nothing can stop me, nor can't I enlighten people with the different perspectives. At least, to see that suicide is not fully self-inflicted damage. See the news article for example, she was still 10 for god's sake. TEN-effing-YEARS-OLD! she was called 'fat, ugly, slut' she DIDN'T even know what 'slut' meant, she HAD to endure all of that, ALL of that, and decided to end her life? I got some feedbacks saying she was 10, she didn't understand it. Oh trust me, I understood more than suicide at that age. more than that.

So why? Like I said, emotional abuse, not everyone can cope with the toughness of the reality. Not everyone. The image of 'the act of ending one's life' is a low-classed humanity right? what does that make of the criminals? the bullies? higher than them? no.

So here's the thing, suicide, on a certain extent, is not at all one's act of self-inflicting harm. Its, in fact, society's act towards an individual which has a weak defense against him/her-self. They're afterall, victims of society, victims of abuse. Abuse which has no competition, manipulation of the emotion and mind.

This one's for the book writer, the detention lover, and the funny ones.

This one is for the teachers that have taught me, and everyone else. This one is for every single kind of teacher who have taught in schools. This, this is from the students. Let's get to the point. In school, there are teachers that everyone love, hate, enjoy or find boring. There are teachers who are strict, friendly, lazy, and over confident. There are also teachers who we barely see (sometimes we don't even know they exist) if they don't teach us, or ones who we all know about, even if they don't teach us.

There are many varieties of people in this world of course. You see, other than friends or celebrities, there are also teachers. To their life, it is their backbone, their source of income, and in times, happiness. To our life, they are the building blocks. They teach, we learn. We leave school, we forget them, but we never forget the lessons learnt. We use the lessons to push ourselves forward in life. They are our hope.

Of course, like I've mentioned, there are many kinds of teachers, but this, this is to the ones everyone love, and to the one that teaches us rather normally.

I'll start with the norm. How do we learn? Teachers teach us right? They give us questions, teach the materials, then we work out the answers. That's how teachers normally teach, they pass on their knowledge through planned sessions through out a school year. They plan their lessons, apply their materials, and let the students do the work. If a student don't understand, they expect the student to come up to them and ask them. That is basically how a teacher should work in auto mode. Here's the thing, over time, years of studying, these kinds of teachers are so common you get bored of them. You don't hate them, you just get bored of the way things are being taught. Lazy students will eventually drop low on their grades, while the excelling students teach themselves. That's the effect of a normal teacher.

What is the second one? The second one is the ones that are friendly, okay maybe sometimes not, but you just love their subject. To the ones that do not teach us by applying materials, but by using our individual abilities and applying the material evenly towards the class. This is to the teachers who do not teach us, but inherit their knowledge to our self-being. To be honest, there are many many ways as to how these teachers inherit their work, but one thing for sure, these teachers make us remember every thing they have taught us, and just love the subject. Some may tend to be a young, new teacher who still knows their way around kids our age, or others just don't grow old with in them. They stay in their own era that adapts to time, and then apply their adaptations and teach kids. Others, they just love kids. I don't really know how I'd turn out if I teach, but I love kids (you people of age, this is not pedophilia I tell you. Ha!) They are just unique in their ways, innocent in their head. Before, what we call society, dawns upon them and break them.

That's off topic, so here, this one's for all the teachers in the world. Many, forgotten.

When you're stuck forever.

You know how several times I've come across how things will tend to change, or people changing. Well now, moving away from that, it's not about moving on and leaving people who changed, or leaving a situation because it changed.. but in fact changing the situation or yourself, towards a person that constantly changes.
I am barely of any age, but if I jump to conclusion I think I can get to it as accurate as I can.

A bonded promise. A guarantee. A bond. We know this kind of... Transaction as marriage. Of course I refer to one that lasts, not a stupid one night love and get married, but a built up of emotions that leads to years, to families. How then, this so common phenomena, can marriage last?

Despite all that I have mentioned about all the changes in people, and what is love, I believe that this is all simple. People change, yes. Situation changes, yes. What the two people does is that, over time, they cope with each other's changes. Either they adapt to the other's changes, or pull the other to avoid a certain change. This is one of those unspoken promises or self-realisation that in a lot of events happen, but this one works gradually and gets stronger by the day of being together. There is always times of argument, but that is just human nature.

Now the title might imply something of the negative, but really, it isn't. Who wouldn't love to be stuck to someone they love the rest of their lives?

Who are you when you're them?

This rather out of the blue topic has been around for many many years, yet I haven't got to the point to what am I supposed to write? I wonder then, how many of us actually have an identity? Identity. What exactly is it in an ever changing world, with an environment of always-changing people? From where I lived as a kid, I never thought I would ever leave that place, my hometown. Eventually I did. I left many things; friends, memories, fun and out of many more, my identity.

Have you ever wondered; why am I here? Why am I like this? Why am I friends with these people? I was talking in your shoes, not whether I, me, was here. ha! A while back I was thinking, what if I never moved to Doha, would I be the same person I am now? Now the answer looks simple, I wouldn't be the same, but it's rather not as easy as ABC. I thought about my friends; the amazing people that surround me, in person at noon and virtually over the internet at night. The different people I have socialised with over the years.

Then a thought struck me 'but I socialise with different friends in Indonesia'. I am fully aware that I do not act the same way as I would do with my friends here. There factors such as environment, understanding of the world, cultural difference. Whereas they're more down to earth and patriotic while I'm a more wide-ranged, not-so-justified-about-my-country critic. Thing is, different places will trigger various aspects of yourself. In school I'd be talkative while at home I don't talk a lot, that sort of thing.

Okay, now that the opening's done, all that, that's not exactly what I want to talk about, though it refers to everything I talked about. Whether you have moved countries, school or none at all, you will have various memories of your childhood, friends come and go. New and old. Fun and boring. Nice and mean. As a kid all of them are friends to us. When a family asks about someone you don't say 'that's a bully of mine' instead you'd say 'that's a friend of mine'. With childhood, comes massive fun. (yeah I took that from 'with power comes great responsibility). Well anyway, as a kid, among your friends, I'm sure you've been called something else other than your name; a nickname. A nickname that you're probably proud of, or rather a nickname that everyone call you as. Over time these names fade away, or if you move, you're a new identity to your new friends. You may be called something else that is totally unassimilated to your previous identity.

Behind every name there's a meaning. You were called such a name for a reason, maybe an achievement you achieved back then made you a 'Noble' to your friends. A goal you scored made you a 'Ronaldinho'. A writing you made, made you a 'Wilfred Owen'. It can be anything, one (rather personal) example, I used to be called a kancil (I'm not sure what it is in English, it's like a smaller version of a deer, more aggressive, quick and rather cunning) and that was me, for 4 years of my life. That was me. Then I moved, and no one knows about it, you can probably say that these names are inside jokes. As the years passed by I picked up other names. That, readers, was a start of an external identity.

What is the point of all this, now that it's a really long useless article. It is in fact to show how a person can hold many names; his own personality and different perspectives of oneself. One may be proud of his name, and others can reflect to why people call him a certain characteristic. The possibilities are endless, but for one thing, when a person is referred to a unique characteristic, the critic (or name) will be planted and for the circle of people around him in the current situation, he will be that.

These names, some day, may help a person be themselves. They know who they are around different ethical group of friends. They can refer to their friends as who he is to them, but project hints of his other personalities which will widen his friends' perspective of him. Socialise. These names will be planted in your head so deep that you will eventually refer yourself to that, and it will help you socialise. Trust me. You will end up acting as one, two or all of your affiliated critic and be yourself (hopefully for the best of humanity).

Expect what is not

Expect the unexpected. A common phrase said by people to others that are suffering a surprised situation. Ignorant(s), or careless people (Yes I just categorised humans) would say, doesn't that make the unexpected the expected? No. A straight no, this is no matter of opinion, but of fact and logic.

This is not a matter of taking the phrase literally, but in fact to see it in such a way that it makes sense. I'll jump straight into it then. Expect the unexpected. Expect is the action we're supposed to do or rather feel about something that's coming. While unexpected is something surprising, something... most possibly that will catch us off guard.

That was the literal terms. Now, what I meant that it is not a simple 'then the unexpected is expected' is because that's not how our brain works. It is in fact to create a landing pad or something that's coming.. To be prepared. To have a defense mechanism or a wall of protection to absorb something that you wouldn't be usually be prepared for. Okay, for some cases the 'unexpected' is something opposite, instead of a yes answer, it's a no. What if it was a problem that has been building for a while? Even years?

Easier (will be) said than done. It is to create possible scenarios of the situation in which you are in. Jot it down on a paper to remember. Anything to get your head working on the situation. This will then create an imagery that you will think through for a time being and make you think 'what if I do this, what will happen?' or 'what if I do that, will she answer?'. The outcomes are variable and there are a lot of possibilities to everything. Hence the phrase is made.

Expect the unexpected. A phrase that will make your mind work through tens of scenarios that you hope to happen. A phrase, if triggered, will conjure up a current situation into possible branching scenarios. That is how to expect the unexpected.

What is trust in a word of idiocy?

We have all thought to ourselves; who can we trust? Who is relevant for us to tell this information to?

We all have that deep secret of ours that we don’t want to tell anyone, but with time, we'll want to relieve it out of our head and just let it flow out. We can't just ventilate it to any random friend in case of our greatest fear; they tell the world. Then how? How do we know who to trust that we can tell anything or everything about?

Everyone has their own little criteria; then again, we have lived with people who would have reasons why we can't tell them anything. I usually just give up and tell no one. Yet, there is a way to ventilate emotions that have built up inside, in the process of what I call, redefinition of trust.

I used to think that to trust someone, they should be aware of your situation. That didn't change, another thing is that they have lived certain aspects of my (in this case; yours) life. Next, if they're helpful, then I can trust them. The latter two are variables that can change, and if there's only one of the two, that person to a certain extent, can be trustworthy. Now the last point is the specific or, in a cheesy aspect, special reason why I trust a person. For every person there's a different reason. Maybe for you, you like the person or that they're your best friend, therefore you trust them. For me, it's neither of the two (I'm letting you in on this one). It is in fact whether I'm comfortable around or talking to the person. Can they comfort me? Can or do they make me laugh happily? That's my call.

Back to redefinition (this is not a definition from the dictionary or anything). Now take any two of the points that I've mentioned; (about the person)

• Awareness of your situation
• Lived certain aspects of your life with you
• Helpful
• Or the 'specific reasoning'

Choose any two (or 3) of these (keep in mind you have more reasons than this) and apply it to a person you want to rant to and if these two (or 3) or the entire criteria match, then they're applicable in this 'redefinition of trust'.

What next? That’s what you're wondering right now. Next step is to hold your ground. Hold it and take a breather, think back of what you're ventilating about, backtrack your problems, or whatever it is. After all you don't want to end up ranting about irrelevant things or other things that are not supposed to be told. Besides, this person that you applied to isn't liable to everything. You can't tell or burden him/her with all your, let's say, memory extraction. It's only a part of your secret.

Basically the point of trusting a person is to let things out, but not in this case. This one, you only tell them a part of your memory extraction, not all of it, unless you're sure... In this way you relieve pressure bit by bit.

The next phase is to do the same things (doesn't have to be applied with the same reason) but to a different person, and tell them another side of your story. Right now you're thinking, this is harsh, and that you are (or my technique is) using people to your own good. Well if you've been through shit, you wouldn't care less. No, I'm kidding, not really. In any way this isn't mean, this is relieving your stress, and making people feel trusted, a win-win situation.

P.S If I were you, the different people that you trust shouldn't be close friends or anything, or else they can share their side of their story and catch you red handed, even though that will be funny. Dark humour right there.

So, what exactly is the redefinition of trust? It is manipulating one's own doubts or stresses to be expressed little by little to certain points of one's life* to relieve one's pressure from an existing problem and avoid being judged.

Now this is a different article over all, I don't even know the link with this and the title. Basically at times like this, in a world like ours, it i s rare to find one so trustworthy and reliable.

As a last touch; now, tell me what your reasons to trust a person are. Be anonymous, DMs, inboxes, anything.

*meaning that the different people probably experienced different sides of one's life

--There may be cases of paranoia after this where people think others are burdened by their problems. I don't blame you. But Hey, if anything, I'm here! No burdens at all!

An alienating influence

I was watching Chronicle the other day, the movie of three boys who had superpowers from some kind of radiation. I guess this will be a bit of a spoiler, but I'm writing it anyway.

So this movie was about how three boys found out they had the ability of telekinesis, the power of moving objects without contact. Now here's the thing, they're good boys, no trouble, I guess just young adults who wants little fun here and there, jokes here and there, but no major victims or anything. One of the kid had an abusive family therefore having the power was something to vent to, he'd fly his camera around the room instead of sleeping and all that. The movie itself, you'll have to watch it, here I'm talking about how a protagonist becomes an antagonist.

I'm focusing on this abusive family kid. So basically this kid was a loner before he came close to the other two, and then they got the power, which then linked them, even closer. No one else knows about this power, so it's a secret that bonded them.

Somehow his father talked to him saying that originally he had had no friends, and that all of his friends are fake, no one to trust, etc.

Here's the thing, this kid doesn't look up to his dad, nor does he even like him. So why, in the end, does he listen and believe his father?

If you're reading this, I assume that you have a sibling or two of some kind right? Probably a big brother and a smaller sister, or a sibling of the same gender. As you grow up, there will be controversies of opinion between you and your sibling hence the buildup of sibling bonds. This kid, he didn't have any siblings, and as a guy the person he looks up to is his dad. The only, yet abusive, dad he has. Question is; why does he look up to a guy he doesn't like?

We all have our own role models, may it be a famous person, or someone in your family. This person is the person who you'd look up to, believe, and expect from right? At one point or another, you'd find flaws in this person, and ask yourself, can I really believe this person? But in your conscience that was a rhetorical person and you'd stick to this person the rest of your life. You would simply believe or trust this person won't you? BUT, if you didn't have anyone else but your abusive dad, who would you look up to? Who can you believe?

Hard question wasn't that. My point is that, some people look up to the wrong models, they look up to that model out of desperation of options, they don't know anything about the world, but from that person, and if you've stuck to that person since your childhood, you would listen to him and think about what he's said to you, however much you dislike him.

So think of it this way, if you're a guy I assume you look up to your dad more than your mom right? (Vice versa to girls) Now, what if they were abusive? See, you can't see them that way. If they were abusive, you'd fantasize them being normal, and this was what the kid was doing, he listens to his dad, as much as he hates his dad, whatever his dad says sticks to him.

Ever heard the quote 'Love can make people do crazy things'? Well desperation can make people be crazy. The kid was desperate enough to know the world through someone else's eyes and his dad was just the one to give him that vision, even though it's negative. He believed, acted on even, to what his dad said. He had no friends.

If you were convinced to have no friends, you would leave your friends and detach yourself from the social groups, slowly but surely. Some will notice, others won't. The ones that notice will try to boost your self-esteem, yet you're so convinced that you didn't care anymore, hence you'll do crazy things. Do things that are so selfish that you think won't affect anyone, but in fact it affects your friends.

I may not be perfect. We aren't.

To be honest, I haven't had any inspirations, or rather topics I've wanted to write lately. To be honest to myself, no one reads these for granted. It's that time in life where, there are so much going on, yet so few happenings at the same time. It's that time where you can't really express yourself; what you want, what you need, what you're looking for. Who you are. Who you will be.

There was this author who came to my school today, I gotta say the way he writes, I can relate to. So I'm just going to talk in general, the title, at this point I haven't thought of, so whatever it will be, it's not link to any of the text so far.

What I want to talk about now, is nothing in particular. Nothing specific. Just simply everything in general. I may not be perfect.

We've heard that said so many times by so many people 'I know I'm not perfect' but why is it then, these people still think they matter. Think they exist. Think they're THE one. I will be honest, that I'm still like that. Everyone is. If I say we can't avoid it, I'm wrong, but if I say people can leave it be, I'm also wrong. It is thus unavoidable human nature, but it is preventable. Arrogance. Pride. They're the main factors in such humans. Experience. Knowledge. they're also the characters of such personality.

So often I'm in a situation where one person is rationally right, yet the other is considerate. If I think about it, both are right, and both have a stand point, but at times I just think why can't they see it any other way? We are not perfect.

Narrow minded people. Sometimes I forgive them, for their lack of knowledge, lack of experience. Let's get to the point, I'm South-East-Asian, living in an Arab country, learning in a western (English) community, I can say without doubt I have at least a taste of different cultures of half of the world. I've lived, bullied, loved, cared for, left out. I can also say that I have a rough idea of how a lot of people are feeling right now. There are certain things I have not felt, suffering. I know my place, I know my stance, yet I have my reasons and in the journey through all this, I have my experience with me which helps me think everything through. Analysing consequences. I am not perfect.

I don't know how to end this, or conclude all this. Was this an overall image of how I see people around me? I'm not sure. Was this just how selfish people are, including me? Neither am I sure. All I know is that, this is a simple observation I made among my friends, the bigger picture. When I say my friends, I mean every one of them, the geniuses, the not-so-smart ones, the averages, every-single-one-of-them.

What would one do to the other?

For this particular text, I would just say my inspiration comes in physical form. This is one of those topics where, literally, not everyone reading this will know. I mean, I'm the kind of person who believes there is one person out there who is made for you, and just for you. Yes I wrote about how love is when you make someone perfect for you, but then again there are times for people, that meets a particular person and just clicks with them. Yet in this case, the feeling is instantly mutual.

A nostalgic picture for me, but a really new experience for a person. This is a circulatory system where, whatever's old news to you may be a surprising information for another.

Let's kick-off with what exactly am I talking about. I'm talking about certain situations or happenings which happen in lucky people's lives. This is when you like a particular person, you just like them. Like you don't exactly know them, but you like them. Then at one point both of you finds out you like each other.. it's the best feeling in the world right? Then the time comes where you're in a position to talk to one another. No I thought so, you don't have anything to say, not even any basic things.

It's not a bad thing, no. It's just that, these particular situations, you can't put a word into it.

At another point one and/or the other will think things like, Does he actually want to talk to me? or Were people serious that she liked me? Then we get paranoid to what the other thinks and don't struck up any contact at all.

What exactly happens when this kind of thing..happened? I couldn't out it into words, but this is what I came to; one. is that that person sees you the same way you see him/her. two. is that he/she feels the same way you do towards him/her. And the third reason, and the strongest one, is that you want to know more about each other, yet you have that feeling where the other isn't willing as much as you do. The question is, What would the other do?

I cannot give a just answer. All I can say is that, don't expect the other to start. Act with your own instinct and do what you think its best. At times it becomes disastrous, but with these kinds of situation, however disastrous it may be, everything will piece together again, good as new.

Interlacing law of life. (Part 2)

Last post was about the past was it? see what I did there? Well anyway, yes I'm making this post as a serial. This topic will come and go, every part will have different, yet interlacing, topic. Things in life tend to link with one event or another, in a way we can call it the Domino Effect, a motion starts in, and it doesn’t stop until the last piece falls, or in reverse, if you lift the last piece without moving anything, all the other pieces will move up, their movements interlace with each other.

Now, you're thinking, what can interlace with the past right? I mean we've moved on, time can't go back, which means the past is history, nothing will affect us. No, you're wrong, there is one thing, if not any more, that still affects us, and that's regret. The past in any stage of your life, I guarantee you this, will haunt you. Even if it’s a good memory, it will haunt you, in the context of; it will bother you one way or another.

What now? You think regret is easy to come over? Think again. Haven't we all had that time where we wish we can time travel? Change the outcome of events, or the acts you've done? In one way or another, you will want to be able to achieve something, even if that means you have to cheat your way through it. There is no easy way in achieving something, and the good of you takes over and you think against cheating. In the end, you may not have reached what you aimed for and regrets not cheating your way through it. Okay that’s a negative view, but you get what I mean. Your actions of the past will affect your reaction or mood towards a present or future outcome.

Why would regret be the second I’d write about? There are a lot of other things that’s worth talking about or rather converse about. There are a lot of other significant perspectives that we need to understand, but why regret?
Why? Well let’s say that the past affects your future. The past affects the change in your person, not necessarily physical or mental change, but emotional. I’ve talked about PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) once, and I’ve explained that a soldier was affected by that. He’s kept a secret, a secret that kills him. That’s regret. He regretted not able to tell anyone what happened in the battlefield. Soldiers often gets haunted of their times in the battlefield, nightmares are a different thing, but regret? Their regrets vary in every person. One might regret for even thinking of joining the army, and gets haunted by the cries of pain of deaths of friend and foe. Another one would regret for killing an enemy soldier when he could’ve just gave mercy and left him be. A higher ranked officer may even regret, but opposite to those I’ve mentioned. He might’ve regretted for not killing. He might’ve regretted for recruiting such merciful soldiers. Regrets vary in their own ways but these haunt them.

Basically these soldiers, they will think a lot about it and will often find themselves in a position where they should leave the past and live in agony of their regrets, and make fixes. Fixes don’t mean they go back to the battlefield. You cannot bring the dead back. But fixes like consulting their feelings. It is a common therapy, consulting, but there is one more thing you can do. It’s to share your feelings. Not in consulting, but by reaching out. They may write books, or blogs, or anything just to warn other people of the dangers of war. Of course, my examples are yet again too extreme and big scaled. Put yourself as a soldier, and the battlefield is your friendship. Your regret is that you could’ve saved your friendship instead of killing the relationship. See the similarities? Yes that’s what I mean. I have not thought long enough or deep enough about this to ever think of a… solution. In time there may be a solution, hopefully not as bad as amnesia or brain-wash, but a humane and reasonable solution where one can relieve oneself from the agony of regret-related-stress-or-agony.